Lessons from Lockdown (Part 2)

If you didn't catch part 1 of this post, you can read it here. I am sharing some of the things God has been teaching me during this lockdown period.

More Lessons from Lockdown

- God is giving me GOOD things to enjoy because HE is good. There are so many amazing things - how much more amazing must He have to be to think them up! A boring, fun-sucking God doesn't invent chocolate.

- God is an artist and not only is this world His art - our lives are - a vastly multi-dimensional, beautiful piece of art. "You are His workmanship."

- Christ is enough, but He is not just enough. He is BETTER. His person and character are better than I can possibly imagine.  His plans and what He is going to give me are BETTER than what I think I want. They are not just a passable substitute, the bare minimum. The future is infinitely, wonderfully more than I can ask or imagine.

- This suffering is needed in my life. It is the only thing that is really forcing me to run to Christ.

- The Sower's Song - this song really hit home for me. Please give it a listen...

This suffering is a seed that will grow a massive tree for eternity. God is planting eternal praise for Himself. Everything is going to be...well, there are no words for that wonder. Everything will be good. Better than good. More than redemption.

- We don't know how to enjoy joy without the threat of sadness. 

"It's too good to be true."

"All good things come to an end."

"It's too good to last."

What if we turned those statements on their head to reflect what is actuallyl true when we take eternity into account?

"It's too bad to last."

"All bad things come to an end." 

(Only good things don't!)

"It's so good it has to be true!"

(Because God is the greatest Good and He is always true...)

- I actually do struggle with loneliness (for a while, I thought I didn't), but not in the traditional sense. It took a lockdown to show me that I was seeking to scratch that itch with people. It wasn't all wrong - fellowship is needed. But I need to run to Christ more for companionship and comfort. I wasn't, and this often caused a lot of friction in friendship. This loneliness doesn't present in the same way as someone who sits around feeling lonely all the time, but that person and I share the same root issue.

- I've learned a while ago, that I don't need to sit around waiting and dreading the next wave of anxiety that comes to cripple me. Because I'm learning that it's sin, and as a good friend told me, that's good news, because "there's a cure for that!" I can say no to sin, by God's grace and in His strength. But I'm realizing now that there's a second reason I don't have to be afraid. I play a song for the kids about how Peter walked on water and his faith failed; he looked at the waves and started to drown, to slip into the waves. But he cried for help and God heard him, Jesus stretched out His hand and saved him. And even if I slip into nauseating, crippling anxiety - God will graciously and lovingly reach out His hand and pull me up.

Lessons from Lockdown

So, I have this huge journal that I think may actually be a sketchbook, but I use it for a journal because well, I don't draw that often. I love it because the pages are huge and leave plenty of room for my mind maps. I started drawing these at the end of last year to help me think about things that are important to me - ideas or topics or Scripture passages or difficulties I'm facing.

As the months have passed, I've branched out a bit and started using it for other things as well. I use it to study for school, to take notes (pretty hard to type my notes like I used to when class is now on my computer), and recently, I also began to use it to make lists of things. I had an idea to make a sort of "Book of Lists", but no extra book, and I figured I might as well use this one, since I had so many notebooks going already. So I began to make lists, and to add to them here and there...there are many different topics, such as:

Funny Things the Kids Say
Books Read in 2020
Days of Lockdown
People I Meet (All Souls Matter)
Ways to Encourage Others With Words
Things I Want to Do When Lockdown Ends
Things to Do During Lockdown
Ways to Help People See Truth
Ways Others Have Encouraged Me
Ways to Show Love to Others
Self-Controlled Habits to Build (this one is very short because it was quickly overwhelming...)
Things I Know That Are True (even in situation X)

Why am I doing it? Because I want to record things...want to think about them more...because lists are fun! As a side benefit, these lists can hopefully spawn a blog post here or there. In this blog post, I thought you might like to know some of the things I'm learning during lockdown - specifically, from the list I wrote around April/May during the more intense stages.

Lessons from Lockdown (Part 1)

- Jesus is my best friend - even when I don't recognize it or feel it or acknowledge it.

- He KNOWS. He knows what I am feeling and exactly how it hurts. He knows because He was tempted and can sympathize with my weaknesses.

- He CARES. No one loves me more than Christ. No one is more patient with me. No one else has more compassion.

- He INITIATES. I don't have to make the first move (in fact, I made a lot of anti-moves) and wonder if I'm really more into this friendship than He is. That would be impossible. If anyone is committed to this thing, it's Him.

- He is ALWAYS there. He's never too tired or busy or emotionally drained. His ears always hear my cry. He's never too far away or locked down or inaccessible because I'm at work or something.

- He has POWER to help. No matter how much others care, they can't change my circumstances or work in my heart. They can't take away my guilt or change my sinful habits or heal my pain.

- He SATISFIES. No friendship, no matter how close and loving and beautiful, can bring that closure to my soul, that feeling of "this is finally enough." If I look for satisfaction there, love will only turn to poison. If I look to Christ, those relationships will grow. He is the only one who is enough for me. Trying to fill that need with friends is like throwing them into a black hole.

- God is sovereign even when my world is collapsing. Not one atom is out of His control. He is on His throne, sitting down, not running around in a panic.

- He is also WISE. This all doesn't make sense to me. It's a good thing He tells me not to trust my own understanding. I can't see the big picture.

- He is also GOOD. He does what is best, And "what is best" is not just for the general good but for MY good! God has designed it so that my good is inseparably linked with His glory. This is because I am united to Christ! (This also means that He shares my suffering.)

- I need to trust God with strength for today. He isn't going to help me live tomorrow, today.

- I have significantly underrated what it means for God to be with us - if I ever understood or thought about it at all. Right now I just have this craving to be WITH people. That's not wrong. But that desire to be with someone will ultimately be fulfilled in Christ's presence in heaven. And I don't even fully get that or realize that's what I'm craving, because I've never experienced His presence, and sin is marring my view of Him. And God is coming down to be WITH us! (Me, yes, but us, because we experience it together!) Christ has permanently taken on flesh...He is not "with us" but unapproachable. God is moving in with us!

Part 2 coming soon!
   

Special K

Sometimes it felt like the day would never come, but our sweet Special K is finally going to her new home. We are so excited for her. We know family is God's design and it's where children thrive - not in a baby home. We are only designed to be a stop along the way.

But we will miss her very much. Two years (more than two years!) is quite a long stop along the way. That's definitely plenty of time to get attached.

When she came to us, she was this tiny.

I had two babies with alternate schedules - someone was always awake. So I had to carry her on my back while I did chores. 

Sweet little chubby legs!

She has always loved her buddy L.

Her first birthday. The cake was almost as big as she was!

She loves to give "huggies" and will pat and scratch your back.

Everyone was terrified of the water fountains at the mall, but at least she was absolutely adorable in her swimsuit.

Two! Our little sweet and sassy rainbow princess.

She's the cutest scary monster ever.

I know a lot of children come home from orphanages that are very difficult places. But many children in the system come from places where they are very, very loved. We love her - we love her enough to get attached and to care for her for years, knowing we will someday have to let go. I hope she always knows she was loved from the moment she was carried in our doors, and I hope she grows up to know the love of Christ as well. I want a lot of things for our babies - a family, a happy life where their needs are met, etc. But mostly, I want them to grow up to know the Lord. Please keep her in your prayers as she goes out to start her new life. And please pray for us as we let go, knowing we will likely never see her again. It's hard! But it's worth it. We are trusting God. We are thankful for the time we had. And we are thankful for God's good design of family. 

We love you, K! You will be missed. Go on out there and sparkle like the little princess you are.

Lockdown Files - Week 5

Day 29: Another Friday, another fire. We had some fresh homemade donuts and I played my fiddle while I waited for the food to be ready. I’ve been taking requests from the kids, which is a never-boring way to work on playing from ear. “Play the Veggie Tales theme song!”

I’m pretty out of practice and hit quite a few wrong notes, but they don’t care. I spent so much time while I was learning music in my teen years (and somewhat into adulthood) feeling really insecure about my abilities and wanting to be as good as people who were more skilled than me. Now, I’m learning that music can be something that can be used for others’ enjoyment, not just so that I can feel good about myself. So that’s kind of neat. 

Also, today Little T referred to the new WiFi satellite as “the roof wife” so that was pretty hilarious. 

Day 30: As you can see, we are all hungry for a bit of freedom! We heard a friend was on her way to the shops and all went up to wave at her. Poor Babybear didn’t understand why Auntie Gigi couldn’t come and give him a hug. It was good to say hi, though.

They watched Winnie the Pooh in the evening. Apparently that name is hilarious if you’re 3 and 4, and they couldn’t stop giggling once I explained that it was not, indeed, Winnie the POOL. With all of the conversation going on in there, I thought one of the toddlers needed a nappy change.

Me: KK, come here, I need to change you.

KK: *comes and is clean*

Me: Guys! Why did you tell me she stinks when she doesn’t?
Little T: Maybe it was the neighbors. What do you want to be when you grow up? Would you rather fly or run super fast/become invisible/etc.? What superhero would you want to be? What is your favorite animal? What are you thankful for? What is your favorite food? What is your favorite song? Little T: Yes I can. One...two...(continues counting)...nineteen, twenty! There are twenty stars!x

You know, we live in the city, so whenever we hear a sound or smell food and we don’t know where it’s coming from, we say “must be the neighbors.” This is the first time we’ve blamed this particular smell on them though. 

Last picture is by a friend who’s been illustrating random things I say, as art practice.  It’s a plattyrplaguapocalypse. (An apocalyptic plague of platypuses and platters.) I love it so much.

Day 31: We had Sunday school this morning and then tea and cookies outside on the patio. It’s becoming a bit of a routine to have tea every week (at least with the 2Ts - the little ones have been joining us during lockdown). We practice asking each other questions and making conversation. Everyone who is old enough to vaguely understand what’s going on gets a chance to ask everyone else a question. Everyone gets a chance to answer even if they just repeat what the big kids said. If any of you have good suggestions for questions to ask a 3 and 4 year old, hit me up with them in the comments! Some of the ones we have asked so far:

What made you happy (or sad) this week?
What super power would you like to have?
What is your favorite food?
Where would you like to go?
What is your favorite movie?

The kids are working on “what is a question?” Little T “asks” things like “When I grow up, I want to take the apples out of the tree.” Big T does a bit better...”What do you like?”

After we put the kids down for a nap, we all were able to watch the sermon (hooray for WiFi!) and we had this super yummy mint chocolate cream cheese cake (made by our house dad). I’ve picked my lockdown buddies well!

In the evening, Morongwa and I made beef stew and she showed me how to make steamed dumplings. We enjoyed them while we watched the new(ish) animated Pilgrim’s Progress movie. I’ve seen it before but it was definitely worth a second watch. It’s free to watch online right now (or at least it was when I posted this – you can check: www.watchpilgrims.com/FB

The animation quality may not be Disney/Pixar, but the story is classic and I think they interpreted it well. I would highly recommend it!

Day 32: I’m reading this book, and it’s a good one. It’s painful in all the right ways, especially on the days when it’s so hard to trust God.

There are certain words and phrases that are used a lot right now, that I hate. One of those is “new normal.” I don’t want a new normal. I would like my old normal back, thank you very much.

I was chatting with a friend today and she mentioned this phrase. After I realized I couldn’t throw my pencil through the computer screen at her (like I would have if she was sitting next to me), I thought about it a little bit more.

Last year, I studied Theology of Biblical Counseling for one of my school modules. One part of the book I read talked about how Jesus was the only normal human being who ever lived. This sounds a bit strange, but the author went on to explain that “normal” doesn’t mean “universal.” “Normal” means “conforming to the prescribed standard”, not “the same as everyone else.” It doesn’t mean that because everyone sins, that that is how things are supposed to be and how God designed human beings to live and function best. He does sovereignly control everything and even uses evil for good (like in the story of Joseph). But that doesn’t mean sin is “normal.” Of course it leads to chaos, pain, and entropy, because that’s just not how humans are supposed to work. Jesus was the only normal person, because He was the only One who fully and completely obeyed God.

So what if our time here on Earth is not “normal” either? Heaven (and, not at all to be forgotten, the new Earth and our glorified bodies) may be the REAL normal. I mean, think about it in two ways. One, only in eternity will everything be made right and will everyone follow God’s commands; only there will we experience His presence; only there will we be free from the effects of the curse of sin. And two, this will be “normal” in the more commonly understood sense of the word. Most people do understand “normal” to mean “what happens the majority of the time or with the majority of people.” Think in terms of time. How long has this earth been around? I know different people have different opinions on that - but that’s not my point. Even if you believe in millions of years (I don’t), even that is not even a drop in the bucket compared to the length of eternity. How long is eternity? 50 billion years? But then, it just keeps on going. There isn’t any end. So how can we possibly say our brief existence on this earth - and our hurt - are normal? Because the way things are here on earth, is NOT the way things are going to be for the majority of our existence.

Pain is real. Sadness hurts. Grief cuts us deep. But it’s not normal and I refuse to call it so. A better day is coming. THAT is the “new normal” and it’s the only one I’m going to accept as such.

Day 33: I discovered that if I play our church worship recordings on my speaker, they’re loud enough for me to practice along with them. This was a fun rainy-day activity, except for the part where the toddlers hit my knees with Lincoln Logs while I played. I will admit I have been playing on rainy days just to drown out their noise.

Yes, that is a music stand holder that I made out of what I think was my grandma’s jeans...many years ago.

Kid lingo quiz: What does “saymazz” mean? Bonus points for using it in context.

Day 34: Shopping for supplies for MBH to reopen on Friday. This isn’t even half of the stuff but I was close to cleaning off a few shelves...I felt like apologizing to everyone that I’m not a stockpiler or paranoid, I’m just shopping for work. At least the newly-mandated masks, although restricting my ability to breathe comfortably, do keep me from being able to tell if strangers are giving me dirty looks, so there’s that. I still can’t find a thermometer (for ear or forehead) anywhere, so if anyone knows of a place that’s still selling them, please let me know.

Day 35 (Thursday): Today was the last day before MBH opens again as an essential service provider, the ladies come back to work, and the kids go back to baby home instead of being in our care 24/7. It’s a bit of an adjustment and we’ve been sad to give them up, even though we are tired.

This was also the last day before we move from stage 5 lockdown to stage 4. What does this mean? Not a lot in terms of personal freedom, but there are a few perks. Some more stores will be allowed to open, including hardware stores - I can finally buy that weird lightbulb for my pantry and don’t have to use the rechargeable lantern anymore, so that’s nice. We are allowed to go on walks as long as it is in between 6-9 am, it’s close to home, and we don’t go with anyone we don’t live with. Also, fast food restaurants will open for delivery. There are some more industrial/economic things that are happening, I think, but nothing else that really affects us visibly.

This was a crazy stressful day as we were trying to get a bunch of things ready for baby home to open. We had to take the two smallest for immunizations and pick up a prescription. I left them in the car with my housemate while I ran into Checkers for “just a minute” to grab my groceries that I forgot there the day before...and grabbed a couple more things....and picked up the prescription we had been waiting for...anyway it ended up taking way too long and the babies were fussy and then I had to go pick up masks and a thermometer - which we found, thankfully, a friend is loaning it to us.

We decided to have one last fire with B and K before they went back to MBH and Morongwa before she went home on Friday, so that was nice, once I finally got home and got everything sorted.

Big T: There are so many stars you can’t count them.

Lockdown Files - Week 4

Day 22: This morning the kids played some elaborate pretend game where Little T walked around with her chitenge calling everyone “my deahhh” and (at Big T’s command) “my boy-boy.” It was kind of hilarious to listen to while I cleaned house and kept them entertained for quite some time.

We got a new baby! “Birdie” is a tiny preemie boy who weighs only 1.6 kg (3.5 lb). He spends most of his time sleeping but needs to be fed every two hours or so around the clock. Thankfully my housemate (who was staying elsewhere for the lockdown) has moved back to care for him, as the rest of us are already pretty swamped.

We had another fire tonight and I taught Morongwa how to play Battleship...it was fun.

Day 23: I am, somehow, managing to fit some reading in, although not without some external motivation. The first book is for school and I am REALLY enjoying it. To be honest I wasn’t super excited about reading yet one more book on marriage - this module has had quite a lot of assigned reading on the topic - but this one, I’m just loving it so much and would highly recommend it even if you aren’t married and even if you think you might not even want to get married.

The second book I am discussing (over the phone) with a friend. Trusting God is a reread, but just as relevant and applicable now as when I read it two years ago. As you can see, I was a bit behind and had to read while I was making dinner (deep fried Ranch wings).The kids watched Up while I cooked. Little T said “Thank you for letting us watch the Higher movie!”

I’m also working on reviewing memory work. I had the book of Philippians memorized a couple of years ago and my goal is to have it back by the end of lockdown. I’m almost there!
Tonight I had several little visitors during class time. The front building (baby home) is the only place my phone data seems to work well enough to connect to any kind of video call. But they were well-behaved and quiet (for once!)

 

After class we watched the president address the nation - he gave a lot of info on economic and social grants (I was sitting there wondering how much an extra $30 a month is really going to help people but I guess it’s something to buy food with anyway) and not an awful lot of hope that they will lift the lockdown anytime soon. The 2T’s REALLY wanted to watch it. It must be nice to be a kid and not worry about the state of the world. I remember when 9/11 hit I was 11 and thought it was “just a plane crash.” I wouldn’t go back to childhood, but some parts I kind of do miss..

Little T and KK have the same hairdo (lots of little pigtails). The 2T’s have a thing where if they each have the same of something (same color cup etc) they do “cheers” and hit it together. This morning Big T really wanted them to “do cheers with your hair!” i.e. bang their heads together...

Day 25: I broke my 3.5 week streak of not leaving the property (except to take the trash out, which always felt like a tiny, tantalizing bit of freedom). I needed to go to the dentist, and decided to pick up some groceries while I was out. I think our poor preemie may have been wearing size 4 nappies.

I had a large cavity in my wisdom tooth that I just discovered on Friday. Yes, I still have them, they don’t ever cause me pain anymore and I’m kind of attached to my body parts and would prefer to keep them all if possible. Unfortunately because of the way this one came in, it’s trapping stuff back there (I’ve had multiple cavities in that tooth) and they say I need to go back after lockdown to get my gum trimmed. Sounds super fun. Not. At least dental work costs much less here than in the US.

It was so strange driving around town. It’s super quiet - even more than Sundays - and everyone you see out walking is carrying groceries, not alcohol. I don’t have to compete with the taxis for the road, which is probably the strangest thing and not something that’s ever occurred in my five years of driving here in Pretoria. I didn’t see anyone begging, either, as they took the homeless people - well, the ones they could find, anyway, I’m sure some have an aversion to being cooped up - and put them in temporary shelters.

So, Big T asked me if rats sleep upside down. I think he mixed them up with bats.

Day 26: Today we baked cookies - yes, we baked AGAIN, the kids do enjoy it so...and there’s lots of little hungry mouths around here...we do feed them but they keep asking for more! Imagine that!

Day 27: Today felt a little bit like Christmas! We finally got the new WiFi hooked up after a month of no internet. We switched out ADSL for satellite - a thief stole the ADSL cable somewhere on the neighborhood and no one has bothered to replace it...although we are still getting billed for it. So happy to be able to join the church prayer meeting even though it still hurts to not be able to meet together in person. 

We had to put the kids all to sleep in the same room while “the WiFi” (as Big T thought he was called) installed the equipment. Putting four small rambunctious children to sleep in one room is not a great idea or one we ordinarily espouse, but given the circumstances it couldn’t be avoided. Big T, however, did his best to motivate and inspire the younger two towards good behavior.

“Kk and B, when you are in our room you must not talk or else you might wake us up and then we will have to tell you not to wake us up because we are going to go to sleep. If you do not obey, when I grow up I’m not going to buy you any ice cream. But if you do obey I’m going to buy you chocolate ice cream - when I grow up - and a Barbie cake with SPARKLES!!!” 

Day 28: Today we did science experiments with Legos. First we tried a balloon-powered Lego car, which didn’t work at all. I think it didn’t help that we don’t have little Legos - the big ones are kind of heavy. So we watched a YouTube video showing how it was supposed to work. Then we built a Lego zipline. We experimented with different heights, tensions, and most importantly, tried to figure out which type of cable car/vehicle wouldn’t fall apart before it even was carried to the top, and how to cushion the impact at the bottom. (The last one is the winner.) Emmett the Lego had an exciting day, took a lot of tumbles, and had at least one upside-down ride. I’m pretty sure one highlight for the kids was getting to climb up my burglar bars!

Tonight I got word that my dad was in the ER with some kind of infection. My mom is not allowed in with him. So that is stressful and difficult. Please pray for them and for me as well. My mind always wants to run to worst case scenarios. He does seem to be doing better, so I’m thankful for that. I talked to him on the phone for a little while this evening.

Tonight the president addressed the nation again, regarding the lockdown. Basically, a few more businesses will be allowed to return to work, and we might (?) be allowed to go on walks, but that’s about all the more freedom we will have. No church, no spending time with friends, no hugs, no social in-person activities of any sort, and no hope of any of those things in the near future.

I know most everyone is in the same position, but to be honest, that doesn’t really help much. It feels like if I say something is hard, everyone else can say “well, everyone else is going through that too” - so basically suck it up, you’re not the only one with problems.

And all the information on Facebook doesn’t help - percentages/social distancing advice/personal rants/empty psychology/opinions on government overreach, vaccines, mask use, etc...I suppose they all have their place. But none of them cure the loneliness that comes from being physically cut off from some of my closest friends, or the anxiety that comes from losing my freedom, and none of them can change the weird lightbulb that burnt out in my pantry that I can’t get at the now-closed hardware store. (The memes help at least. Gotta laugh so you don’t cry.)

We can all have opinions on what should be done, what shouldn’t be done, what isn’t being done, or whatever else...but we largely can’t change much about our circumstances. I’m really wrestling to rest in God’s sovereignty through all of this. I know it’s true...I just need to be able to find peace and comfort and joy in that truth, and to trust that even in this, He is good and wise. So please pray for that.

Also, I'm happy to report that our preemie is growing!