to see myself
truly
as I really am.
(Especially when I don't want to look...)
Sinful,
corrupt from conception -
is it really a surprise
that everything
that feels right
and normal
and natural
is,
for the most part,
a lie?
That any residual truth
has been twisted
beyond recognition?
Am I really that bad?
My heart
("Follow your heart!")
My motives
("I meant well...")
My desires
("I just want...")
My...sin?
Well, that's what Eve thought, too -
And you can see where that led.
The entire human race
cursed
fallen
without hope
without God.
I know for certain
I would have eaten that fruit.
How long did she last, anyway?
How long did she hold out
before the fruit's allure drew her closer
before doubt crept in?
Is God truly good?
Maybe...
I just need to make sure.
I don't know how long it was -
a week
a month
a year
but what I do know
is that I wouldn't have lasted as long.
I am Eve's daughter
Adam's seed
and their sickness courses through my veins
even as Christ makes me new.
(Oh, and He does.
Let's not forget that -
HE COMES TO MAKE HIS BLESSINGS KNOWN
FAR AS THE CURSE IS FOUND.)
But in the meantime
while we wait
while we groan
for resurrection
the curse is still found.
The world is dark
and my (redeemed) heart
still lists toward that darkness.
Funny how I think
that my sin
is a surface problem.
How I lash out
at the thought
at the suggestion
at the insinuation
that it might be more -
how I ache to justify myself
how I cringe at humility
how I make sure
everyone knows
that I am RIGHT.
But God
in His infinite mercy
refuses to leave me there.
I sin
again
and again
and again
and in small, lucid glimpses
it begins to overwhelm.
Oh, God
I cannot escape my sin
I cannot even escape
my love of sin.
But I hate it!
No bandage can fix this sore.
Now shower can cleanse this filth -
the world's oceans would not suffice.
Only blood -
the blood of the Holy -
can cure this incurable disease.
How shocking
that it is indeed offered to me!
O God be merciful to me, a sinner...
I am leprous
I am the poison
and tomorrow
I will go back to unreality
the curtain will close
the moment of clarity
will fade.
Oh my God
You, who tore the veil between us
remove the veil from my eyes!
Make me to see my sin
make me cringe
make me weep
and lead me to the Cross -
Your grace
Your love
Your heart.
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